When Encouragement Isn't Encouraging

Are you one of those annoying people who has all their ducks in a row and everything goes according to plan?  Yeah, I didn’t think so. 

Maybe you easily identify with the Pinterest Perfect image our world portrays.  (Insert snorting laughter and eye rolls.)

My life doesn’t fit the mold either.

I recognize in most ways I am blessed beyond measure.  A loving husband, three children I adore, stable income, a strong faith … I don’t even have to work full time.  (I know, I know, don’t hate me yet.  That’s not Christian anyway.  At least give me a chance.)  I homeschooled our kids for years, but now they board a bus each morning. Many days are quiet till the chaos of homework, packing lunches and evening activity begins.  (Hey! I said it’s not Christian to hate me.) It all looks simple and picturesque from the outside.

But it’s not. 

It isn’t at all what I had envisioned when I dreamed of motherhood.  The me I had pictured, with broods of children surrounding her, would have nodded in knowing, enthusiastic agreement when she saw quotes such as this.

I saw this on Instagram today.  It’s one of those things that causes me to hang my head in shame.  At least that’s my initial response.  My next response is to become irritated to the point of wanting to bang my head against a wall.  On a bad day it may even make me angry.  Why? Because quite frankly this quote tells me I am not a real mom.  Yet everywhere I see it posted on Instagram, blogs, etc … everyone gives a hearty agreement and thanks the writer, or whoever happened to post it, for the encouragement.  I mean, who are these moms out there who are rocks when they are emotional, who can keep going all the time and never quit, who remain amazing when their intelligence is doubted and their words contradicted by a know-it-all teenager, who are wonderful in chaos?!  And I think, THIS is encouragement to most moms?!  Wow, I must be more messed up than I thought.

Please know I am in no way trying to bash Rachel Martin, the author of the quote.  As with every author, we aren’t all going to agree with or like everything he or she says. I feel pretty confident I would actually enjoy much of her writing. In fact, she has some other quotes about mothers I agree with. However it seems to me instead of saying “A Real Mom” this quote should say “A Healthy Mom” or “A Mom Not in the Midst of Crisis”.  Or heck, maybe even “An Unrealistic Mom”.

You see, just this week, my son needed me badly, and I mean badly—not like scrapped-his-knee-needed-me but serious needs.  I, however, was flat on my back, heart racing, unable to speak or respond to his tears.  My state only served to exacerbate his stress.

I was not the rock he needed.

Most days when I am home alone and able, I take a nap.  I try to get as much done as I can, but honestly, that’s not a lot because when I push through, when I “keep going” I can’t provide for the kids needs adequately in the evening.

I actually have to be purposeful to not keep going.  I often quit. If I don’t, I end up in the above mentioned situation, flat on my back, unable to speak when my kids need me.

The more chaos abounds, the worse my symptoms become.  Light, noise and motion intolerance, dizziness, imbalance, right sided weakness—all complex migraine symptoms due to POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome).

I am not “wonderful even in chaos”.  Chaos is when I am at my worst!  Chaos is when I’m most likely to snap, yell or retreat to prevent full blown symptoms. 

Ooohhh, and heaven forbid a sassy mouth dare to question me during any of these times.  I pity the child who doubts me because they certainly aren’t going to get amazing.  I also have zero patience for a delay in compliance.  Delaying often means I have to stand longer while my heart rate rises higher.

When I look at the above definition of a real mom the only thing that really applies to me is “Worried, but full of hope”.  And this has nothing to do with me, but everything to do with God. 

See, I know even though God did not intend for this world to be filled with sickness and divorce and death and disasters of every kind, He does redeem our pain.  He recycles every bit of it and transforms it into something of beauty over time.

If we allow Him to.

And because of this I believe the last line is true of me too.

“Life changer, every single day.”

To me, my mothering looks terrible, a disaster, a far cry from the mom I thought I would be. 

But.

I still love my kids more than anyone else in this world.  And they still wouldn’t choose anyone else to be their mom. 

I can’t see the future.  I don’t know how God is using even my illness to mold them and guide them. 

Last night my son told me something amazing.  He creates levels of a game called Geometry Dash, and has quite a few followers who anticipate when he releases a new level.  He is almost finished with one he has been working on for three months and he said when he releases it, he wants to dedicate it to me to raise awareness for POTS.

I mean, I can’t even ….

I know there are things you are going through as well.  Maybe you look at this “real mom” quote and, like most, it seems to be a perfectly good definition of a “real mom”. 

Maybe though, just maybe, it cuts you to the core, and it’s one more accusation the devil uses against you—one more doubt about who you are.  If you happen to struggle with chronic illness like I do, then I’d be willing to bet the material out there meant to encourage mothers has only served to discourage you and increase your mama guilt. It’s not as if there isn’t enough pressure already in this Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest perfect world.

So, sweet mama, let me tell you who you really are.  You are a beloved daughter of the King.  Your children wouldn’t want any other mother in the whole wide world. And you are doing the best you can with the time, resources and level of health you have.  It isn’t shameful to “not keep going”.  Sometimes it is the wisest thing you can do.  Sometimes quitting is the choice that actually helps you and your children.  Admitting when you need help isn’t weak, it shows an incredible amount of strength to know when to ask.  Even Jesus needed help to carry His cross.

So here is my definition for the real moms who have very real struggles. 

A Real Mom:

Emotional, listens whenever possible, apologizes when she can’t be the rock.

Tired, does all she can but knows when to call it quits.

Worried, but hope is in Christ.

Impatient, quick to say “I’m sorry” when she blows it.

Overwhelmed, but knows when to ask for help.

Amazing, because she loves her kids unconditionally.

Wonderfully realistic about what can be accomplished.

Life changer, simply because she is there and she loves.

What is your definition? What would truly encourage you?